What's NEXT?

A Client of mine, let's call her Anita, read out her feelings that she wrote on her diary during a recent reading session. I kinda like her writing, so upon my request, she is sharing it here with everyone:-

"So I thought, maybe this is a sign. I am not big on reading signs. Mostly I do not wish to believe in them but sometimes, you just want to believe because you are not always in control of the situation and I have been feeling much of that of late.

So there I was in Pandan Indah picking up a guy whom I have never met before but believes because Guy says he is trustworthy. I was not feeling anxious of scared. Just a little curious, maybe a little skeptical of how the rest of the evening will progress. I was waiting outside his condominium. In a way, he looked like how I would imagine he would. A medium built man, very fair but gentle looking. He looked kind and that is most important. I felt like I can trust him in an instance. So far, I have not been wrong about the characters of those I choose to call friends. We drove to a nearby eatery. It is dimly lit, with slightly overpriced ya-ya looking drinks. He chose a slightly bigger table so that he could place his cards. Cards, I asked? Tarot cards? No angel cards and there is a difference. Angel cards are aided by angels, he said. I raised an eyebrow. Of course I did. My experiences with tarot cards are all from shows like CSI.

"So, tell me your story," Ching Wei started.I am wondering where to begin. In the beginning would be good. The spot I identify to be the beginning of the end of me and Brandon. It started with Brandon quitting his job and pursuing a dream which did not materialize. I tried to condense the past 6 years in 15 minutes. I spoke about my anger, frustration, disgust, contempt and ultimately, a demise of feelings for him. And then I went to Mark. How we met, how important he is in my life now, and yet non-existent in a way. I try to keep him real by talking about him to friends. I am sure he doesn't like it. But what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him. As far as Mark is concerned, only Mallory and Dian know and that too freaks him out a little. When we first met, Mark can even ask me what my parents will say about my having a kwailo boyfriend. He doesn't ask anymore. I do not know how he feels for me. I can't guess and I do not know how to speculate. This lack of feel for the pulse of our relationship makes me anxious where it is going. Mark keeps saying that I shouldn't think too much. He may not (or have time to think so much since he is so super busy or want to since he has a baby coming) but I do. Does he even worry about us? What is his story with his wife? Why is he willing to take the risk with me if he fears being found out so much? He is a foreigner, I told Ching Wei. It was easy to talk about him.

Ching Wei took some cards out. Asked me to choose some number and then placed the cards out in a pyramid of 9 cards. As he spoke, I noticed he took some cards out. He said those were my future and in his line he does not tell people what their futures are else it becomes self-fulfilling. Geez, isn't this why people seek fortune tellers? To read the fortunes of the future? But I understood what he meant and I shut up.

He said to me – Do not worry. Everything will be all right. But if you do something drastic, like divorce your husband now, or leave Mark or whatever, then only disaster will fall. It wouldn't even be a win-lose situation. It'd just be lose-lose. No one will benefit. He said I am not at peace with myself. I cried when he said that. I couldn't hold it in. The tears just streamed. He cannot be more accurate. I have problems being with me. I go crazy and I can't sleep. I do not know why I feel this way or when it started to be like this because I didn't start out in life being like this. As a growing kid, I spent hours in my room alone. Creating my own world. Doing my own thing. Now it seems like I cannot function without company….even with company I do not like, like Brandon's. I fear being alone and this fear is crippling. And even though I know Mark and I seem all wrong, I can't leave him because he has become someone important in my life.

Sure, Ching Wei said, he is your soul mate. When he said that, I am reminded of the skype conversation with Mark. When he suddenly asked if I think we are soulmates. I told him I did. Ching Wei said I needed to take time to be with me. I told him I'm off to a far-off-land without my family. He said that is a good thing. Ching Wei said that Mark loves me and that he cannot do what he needs to do for obvious reasons. He said that I should try to make him open up his feelings. Talk about his problems with his wife. I told him that would be hard because Mark hardly ever does. The only time he does is to tell me about his baby. He said that Mark is worried about the baby and that is true and that I should tell him not to worry because the baby is going to be fine. How do I make Mark open up? This is something I still struggle with. Ching Wei said that once I find me, then I will know what to do. The answer will present itself. The best to do now, is to just live my life and let things be. This is the only thing I CAN do, I told him.

Of course I asked, how long is this going to take? What are we talking about here? A month? Two? A year? Give me a time frame. He can't (or won't) answer me. All he can tell me is I will not be disappointed with the end. It will be all right and it will be something I will be happy with. Mark is the right one for me and Brandon is not in my future. I think I heard him but still…. Then he brought out a picture of Gabriel. Angel of Marriage. A Caucasian looking male-angel! Ching Wei said – this is him. He is a kwailo. I can't believe it. He got it spot on. Then he took out another card. Long straight black hair asian looking woman. And this is you, he said. I need meditation, peace of mind.

2 things happened at the reading. Firstly Ila sms-ed me. Some stuff about not believing in my doubts and not doubting my beliefs. I showed Ching Wei who told me that it never fails to happen – the past visits at readings. I told Ching Wei about Ila. He got it right again when he said Ila is not Chinese. The second thing is a song about angels was playing. He asked me to ask Mark if Mark believed in crystals or aromatherapy. Mark couldn't answer the phone but sms back that he did. Ching Wei said that confirmed all that he told me about Mark. Just go forth in the relationship without worries but caution that sometimes things get worse before they get better.

I asked about my kids. He said they are fine. They have guardian angels looking after them. Go to the far-off-land without worries.

As I am writing this now. Recalling this conversation of 2½ weeks past, much has already happened. We had our first argument, and he even suggested we break up. He said he loved me then he didn't mention it again. He said he has chosen a name for his baby and then refused to tell me because it is a surprise (to whom I wonder – that is just plain stupid). We had another weekend together. He told me his baby has big feet. We drove back together and I saw how angry he can be on the road with "dumb Malaysian drivers". I introduced him to Steven and that relationship seems to be taking off pretty good. Steven has no idea what is going on. Vincent has no idea what is going on. I wish someone from his circle knows of me. Just a little. Even if it's just to know that I am in his life. But Steven tells me Mark is a 51% shareholder in his brother in law's business back where he is from. If it is Natalie's brother then I can see some problems. But if its brother in law from his sister/brother side, then maybe things will not be complicated. But that is over analyzing. Which is something I freaking shouldn't do. Feelings have not diminished. If anything it has strengthened somewhat. I say somewhat because sometimes I just do not know what the hell is going on. So what is this future I seek. In my mind, I am thinking wouldn't it be wonderful if we had a baby together. How beautiful the baby will be. It will be a girl, called Tara. Long black hair, big blue eyes. I wonder if he thinks the same. We will have all our kids with us, of course. And it's the other bits of the puzzle like Natalie and Brandon that I can't place.

And so there. I have written what I set out to do after speaking to Mallory about my reading with Ching Wei. She said I should write it down lest I forget. She is right. And now that I have, what's next?

March 2008

Anita